Things not to say to fertility-challenged couples

(Note:  This post is purely for theraputic reasons!  Venting is quite soothing for me!)  In 2002 as we were on our third insemination attempt, I started to notice a theme of comments people made.  Sometimes they were close to us, sometimes not.    One of my least favorite 4-letter words now is "Just".  People would ask if we were PG  - we had nothing to report of course.   At times the advice would come spewing forth without any thought.  And this golden advice seemed to always start with the word "Just".  Just adopt, Just stop thinking about it and it will happen, and by far the most dreaded comment of all "Just relax - you'll never get pregnant if you're stressed out."  Almost always - this one came from women who could spit out babies by merely thinking she wanted one.  Of course none of this advice was meant to be malicious - but to any woman who thinks her body might be failing her - these words almost implied that it was MY fault, and the solution was SO SIMPLE that the word "Just" would fix everything in a snap.  Even as I type this I feel my breathing becoming shallow.......  So as time went on, I learned to reply with a smile - "Gee - I never thought of that before."  
So honestly - the best things to say is to simply ask how it's going?  Do you want to talk about it?  Tell me what the treatment is like.  Listen - don't advise.

2002- A New Focus

In 2002 I started to think we may not be able to have a baby.  It was frustrating to wait for results month after month.  We needed to focus our attentions elsewhere to keep busy.  Work was enough - but I personally realized that I was not crazy about being in the IT industry anymore.  I tried various roles hoping I would find the passion and drive.  I WANTED to be a mother - but so far I could not do that.  Dan had always  dreamed about living on a lake - so he insisted we get a change of scenery and find a house on a lake.  After months of searching we found a place on Okauchee Lake in our price range.  It was in need of serious updating - but we liked it.  In Dec 2001 we made an offer and were surprised that it was accepted!  We kept our house in Wauwatosa and each weekend drove to Oconomowoc to work on our new project.  We ripped out carpeting, paneling, and miles of wallpaper.  The list went on and on - we even became VIP customers at Home Depot and Sherwin Williams.  In May 2002 we sold our house and officially moved to our new place.  We had lots of ideas and kept working to make it our own.  It felt good to focus on something else.

2001-2002 First Treatments

The day I had the D and C, I my doctor and others asked if we wanted to have a service for this lost baby.  Everyone was very kind...but I did not want a service -  there was no baby because the development stopped so early.  We did not have a service.   Losing a pregnancy was very humbling.  We just wanted to move on.

In the days after, I was shocked at how many people called me to reveal to me their own stories of pregnancy loss.
A couple months later we (I mean I) was back to charting temps and tracking other body changes.  One challenge we had from the beginning is that Dan was an IT consultant, and he was away from home 5 days a week.   Many times he was not around when the "right time" hit.  Several times I did contemplate jumping on a  plane for the day.....

We did some basic testing and drug therapy - but no success there

By late 2001 we decided to try artificial insemination, where my cycle is timed so that the doctor knows when I should ovulate.  Then Dan produces a "sample" in a cup at home, then I would drive to the clinic with the little jar shoved in my pants to keep the little guys warm.  Isn't that sweet?  The clinic does a process called "sperm washing" to separate the fast swimmers from the morons.  The fast swimmers are then coddled and stored in a catheter.  I get to take another ride in the stirrups and have them put inside.  The layman's term for for Intrauterine Insemination (IUI) is "The turkey baster", becuase that is pretty much what it is.  So after they give the "boys" a head start toward the egg - I sit there for 20 minutes then go about my day.  Two weeks later you go in for a pregnancy blood test, where they would tell me the result was negative.  We did this process 3 times with zero success.  Needless to say things were getting frustrating.  It was now 2002, and we had been trying to have a baby for over 2 years.

The First Heartache

In March 2001 we were pregnant with our first child - We could not believe it!    I went right to the bookstore and bought the Pregnancy Week by Week book.  The 7 week ultrasound appointment was coming up.  On that day I felt special sitting in the waiting room.  I never had any kind of ultrasound before.   As I laid down  for the procedure I was so excited - what would I be able to see?  The tech started scanning and reviewing the image on the screen, she was quiet.  I could see what looked like a bubble - but nothing else.    She tried to get other angles, but then excused herself for a minute.  She returned with another person - perhaps an MD but I dont know.  He repeated her process and both remained quiet.  I dont remember what they told me.  I left and waited for my OB to call me.   I thought there was supposed to be a heartbeat at this point.... When I arrived home my mom came to deliver flowers.  They were beautiful - but I was not happy.  The next 10 days or so are a blur.  The ultrasound showed an amniotic sac - but nothing else.  Dr Balfour wanted me to take blood tests to monitor my prenancy hormone level.  They went down instead of rapidly increasing.  After several tests and another ultrasound it was determined that I had a "blighted ovum", which is a fertilized egg that attaches itself to the uterus and forms the sac - but no embryo.   So we made an appointment for me to have a D and C surgery instead of waiting for the the miscarriage to happen.  After I received the official call at work I went to the bathroom and cried.

The Honeymoon Years

We started marriage with a house and a puppy - so we were already having fun!  As planned I stopped using birth control after our honeymoon, but I was not specifically tracking anything.  Months passed, then a year.  Still - I was not very concerned - but my OB doctor said at age 32 I should probably see a fertility specialist.  Call right away as they are booked months out.  By this time I reluctantly started the process of tracking my body temperature each morning before getting out of bed to try to predict ovulation.  I got a book to help me look for other signs and bought the predictor kits at Walgreens.  So in early 2001 I called to make the appointment with the specialist.  We went on with life - work, friends, working on the house.  Then in March I realized it had been more than 38 days since my last period.  Then it was 40, then 44.  So I bought a PG test and tried it the next morning.  Although it's supposed to take a couple minutes for the results to be seen - I noticed it was positive within seconds of peeing on it.  I set it down and came back to check it out after 2 minutes - still positive.   Time to celebrate!

1999-The Beginning

When Dan and I got married in 1999, I remember a conversation we had a few months before our BIG Day.  He wanted to start a family right away, so why don't I go off birth control pills before the wedding?   Naturally I thought the idea was absurd!  Going off birth control after years of using the same method had way too many risks - the moodiness, the inevitable skin breakouts, and of course the possibility of my "monthly visitor" arriving during the honeymoon.  If you think about it -he had much more to lose than I did - so I was easily able to convince him that birth control should remain with us until after our wedding.....